Dealing with Loss and Moving On

I've debated all weekend about whether I wanted to share this on my blog or not because it is so personal and painful, but it is such a common experience and I know many of you can relate to what I just went through. 

Last week was the start of two weeks of preschool spring break for my boys. I was originally planning to drive with my friend Stephanie and our five collective kids to visit our friend Wendy and the cherry blossoms in Washington DC. We would have driven about 13 hours each way and it was going to be a really fun road trip. But a few weeks ago, Steph realized it wasn't going to work for her to go, so that was the end of that. I am SO glad we didn't end up going because last week would have been even harder if I had been out of town.

The week began with a horrible stomach bug that lasted for a few days. I thought I was going to die on Tuesday - not really, but that is how it felt. I had a fever of 102, nausea, throwing up, chills, the works. I  barely carried Charlie up the stairs when it was time to put him down for his nap that day. I was so dizzy and weak and could barely function.

On Wednesday, I was still feeling lousy from the stomach problems, but started bleeding unexpectedly, which was very stressful because I was pregnant and not very far along. I went in for an ultrasound, which showed the baby's heart was beating, but it was positioned low in the uterus, which wasn't a good sign. Two days later, I miscarried at home at my 7 weeks mark. Eli was still sleeping when it happened, but Charlie was running in and out of the bathroom singing "Jingle Bells" of all songs in his happy way, totally oblivious to what was going on. After it happened, I stood there with tears streaming down my face, trying to gather the courage to flush the toilet. I called Ben at work and cried and cried.

I went back in to the doctor's office for another ultrasound, which confirmed the baby was out and my body was being very efficient with the whole process. I am so grateful for my kind OB (Dr. Jeremy Miller) who knew exactly what to say and made me feel better about everything that had transpired.

My dad came over one day to help with the boys, and on other days friends watched my kids, brought meals and cheery flowers that brightened the sad days. Eli was such a trooper (in the pictures above he's wearing this silly bird hat that he made in his library class and was pretending to be a bird to make me laugh). Charlie was his usual sweet self with some very aggravating moments mixed in. He wore the same clothes/pjs shown in the pictures above for two days in a row because I couldn't for the life of me get him to change his clothes without him heading into a MAJOR tantrum (I have a video of one of his tantrums tonight that is completely out of control - I'll share it soon). I just didn't have energy to deal with his 2-year-old craziness. 

Today I started feeling like myself again. Last week I didn't eat more than a few crackers or almonds from about Monday afternoon until Friday afternoon because I was so sick. I'm happy to have my appetite back. We didn't do laundry for a week or go grocery shopping and the mail piled up, so now we're catching up. We spent the weekend mainly at home, watching our church's bi-annual General Conference, feeling strengthened and buoyed up by the inspired words of our prophet and other church leaders. 

Overall I'm doing okay, obviously still a little up and down. I go from crying to being absolutely fine. Ben is okay, just concerned for me and glad I'm not so deathly ill like I was before. I know he felt a little helpless at times when I was in so much physical pain that I was hunched over or lying on the ground, trying to get comfortable and make the pain go away.

There is no mistaking that miscarriage is a lonely, disappointing, and difficult thing to experience. It's so strange to be pregnant one day, excited for a November baby, then bleeding and threatening miscarriage the next. But I feel surrounded by supportive, caring people who have been there for me in different ways, and tonight I feel peace and hope for whatever is in our future. I have a caring husband and two adorable boys that bring me so much happiness. I am lucky to have them and I know everything will be okay.