Sunday, April 03, 2011

Dealing with Loss and Moving On

I've debated all weekend about whether I wanted to share this on my blog or not because it is so personal and painful, but it is such a common experience and I know many of you can relate to what I just went through. 

Last week was the start of two weeks of preschool spring break for my boys. I was originally planning to drive with my friend Stephanie and our five collective kids to visit our friend Wendy and the cherry blossoms in Washington DC. We would have driven about 13 hours each way and it was going to be a really fun road trip. But a few weeks ago, Steph realized it wasn't going to work for her to go, so that was the end of that. I am SO glad we didn't end up going because last week would have been even harder if I had been out of town.

The week began with a horrible stomach bug that lasted for a few days. I thought I was going to die on Tuesday - not really, but that is how it felt. I had a fever of 102, nausea, throwing up, chills, the works. I  barely carried Charlie up the stairs when it was time to put him down for his nap that day. I was so dizzy and weak and could barely function.

On Wednesday, I was still feeling lousy from the stomach problems, but started bleeding unexpectedly, which was very stressful because I was pregnant and not very far along. I went in for an ultrasound, which showed the baby's heart was beating, but it was positioned low in the uterus, which wasn't a good sign. Two days later, I miscarried at home at my 7 weeks mark. Eli was still sleeping when it happened, but Charlie was running in and out of the bathroom singing "Jingle Bells" of all songs in his happy way, totally oblivious to what was going on. After it happened, I stood there with tears streaming down my face, trying to gather the courage to flush the toilet. I called Ben at work and cried and cried.

I went back in to the doctor's office for another ultrasound, which confirmed the baby was out and my body was being very efficient with the whole process. I am so grateful for my kind OB (Dr. Jeremy Miller) who knew exactly what to say and made me feel better about everything that had transpired.

My dad came over one day to help with the boys, and on other days friends watched my kids, brought meals and cheery flowers that brightened the sad days. Eli was such a trooper (in the pictures above he's wearing this silly bird hat that he made in his library class and was pretending to be a bird to make me laugh). Charlie was his usual sweet self with some very aggravating moments mixed in. He wore the same clothes/pjs shown in the pictures above for two days in a row because I couldn't for the life of me get him to change his clothes without him heading into a MAJOR tantrum (I have a video of one of his tantrums tonight that is completely out of control - I'll share it soon). I just didn't have energy to deal with his 2-year-old craziness. 

Today I started feeling like myself again. Last week I didn't eat more than a few crackers or almonds from about Monday afternoon until Friday afternoon because I was so sick. I'm happy to have my appetite back. We didn't do laundry for a week or go grocery shopping and the mail piled up, so now we're catching up. We spent the weekend mainly at home, watching our church's bi-annual General Conference, feeling strengthened and buoyed up by the inspired words of our prophet and other church leaders. 

Overall I'm doing okay, obviously still a little up and down. I go from crying to being absolutely fine. Ben is okay, just concerned for me and glad I'm not so deathly ill like I was before. I know he felt a little helpless at times when I was in so much physical pain that I was hunched over or lying on the ground, trying to get comfortable and make the pain go away.

There is no mistaking that miscarriage is a lonely, disappointing, and difficult thing to experience. It's so strange to be pregnant one day, excited for a November baby, then bleeding and threatening miscarriage the next. But I feel surrounded by supportive, caring people who have been there for me in different ways, and tonight I feel peace and hope for whatever is in our future. I have a caring husband and two adorable boys that bring me so much happiness. I am lucky to have them and I know everything will be okay.

19 comments:

Marci said...

I'm so sorry Sarah! My best friend here just went through the same thing and it is hard to know what to do to help. I'm glad you have had lots of people there to support you and help you get through. And I'm glad you don't have the flu anymore either...what a terrible week. I'm sending a big hug from Texas :-)!

Kell's Belles said...

I'm so sorry, Sarah. Having been through a similar loss, I know words can't make up for the loss you're feeling right now. My thoughts are with you as your heart and body heal from this difficult experience. Love you!

Jess said...

I'm so sorry, Sarah--what an awful week! Lots of prayers and virtual hugs!

Krista said...

You were brave to write this. I think it is good to share when you are ready and know how many people really care about you too. I'm so glad you had good support with the people who love you. You are loved. :) I'm so glad that you are feeling better too. You do have the most adorable boys too, although that little stinker Charlie is probably just getting molars right? Have a good day and tom. we visit flowers.

Brooke said...

Oh, Sarah. This post brought tears to my eyes. Words can't express how sorry I am for your loss. I love you and wish I could give you a big hug right now.

kell-bell said...

Sarah, I'm so sorry for your loss, i wish I lived there and could bring you flowers or chocolate myself. I'm glad you had kind Dr. Miller to help you afterwards! It's good that you were willing to share, it's something so many women go through, but for some reason we never talk about it.

The Millers said...

So sorry, Sarah. I'm so glad you shared this -- I would have felt very out in the dark when we are there. I hope this week is better. So glad you are surrounded by people who love you.

We are counting down the days to our visit. I want to talk Easter with you -- what you are doing for your boys as far as Easter baskets, and when. We want to know your norm, and then follow suit.

Love you.

Caleb and Elizabeth said...

I know the hurt goes so deep into your heart for your baby loss but hopefully you can take comfort in knowing that God has swept your sweet baby up in His arms and nurtured him with immense love until the day that you are reunited! I can't say that I know how you feel but I did experience just a very very small part when Baby Caleb was born and that is nowhere near what you went thru. So I will leave you with this, my friend,
"I can do all things thru Christ who strengthens me". Phl 4:13

Elizabeth

Valerie said...

Oh Sarah, I am so so so sorry! I know from personal experience how hard that is (I miscarried at 10 weeks and passed the baby at home too) and I'm glad that you were able to find some happy things to help lift you up. I am sending lots of happy thoughts your way!

Brittany said...

i'm so sorry that you had to go through that, especially by yourself. i will be thinking and praying for you and glad that you have your sweet boys to keep you going. on another note, i love that picture collage! so pretty

Becca S. said...

I'm sorry Sarah, miscarriages really are lonely and very difficult. Get lots of rest! We love you!

kierst10 said...

Oh Sarah, I am so sorry for your loss. I have never experienced it so I can't say I know what you are going through, but I do know what it's like to feel sick and scared and sad. I am so glad you have such wonderful people around you that can come and help (if only I lived closer!). Keep your chin up and know that even from far away there are people who love you and would do anything for you.

Young Family said...

I am so sorry. You are in my prayers.

Heather said...

Oh Sarah, I'm so sorry. You should also know that the ups and downs are totally normal and don't feel bad if they go on for a while. I think it's great that you are sharing it as well. Glad you had Conference to feel "strengthened and buoyed". Love from the West Coast.

kelly said...

sarah, thank you for bravely deciding to share your story. you have such a sweet heart and i'm so sad for you. i hope that you know i'm here for you if you feel like crying, and i will be there to celebrate with you when your next little one comes along too. i'm praying for you as your body & heart begin to heal from this painful loss, my friend.

Lindy & Trever said...

I am so sorry that you had such a difficult week! Know that you are loved. I hope your body and heart continue to heal. Much love!

Mostess Mommy said...

Oh Sarah! I am so sorry for your loss and being sick on top of it must be about the worst thing ever. When I read the subject on your blog post I was afraid that maybe your gram had passed. So I sad to hear that it was your new little peanut but relieved to hear it wasn't your gram. I hope things start getting better for you. I'll keep you in my prayers.

RP said...

Sarah, I hope you're doing better now. I'm so sorry you had to go through this. It's not fun at all. I've been thinking of you and wish I was a little closer to help in any way.

Beckie said...

I think writing it all out helps too. And even if we don't know the right things to say to make you feel better, there is something comforting about friends knowing!

I am glad I was able to help in the little ways!

I am also glad you had a weekend at home with your boys to just be.